Sunday, August 31, 2008

Running Friends and SPOF

I actually got in 14 miles yesterday. I went out in the early AM to run it all solo. I got two miles done and quit. Yes me... quit. Hard to believe huh? I just couldn't do it. I knew it was a mental thing - probably some physical but I hadn't let that come in to play at the two mile mark.

I called my friend Sherri and we set a plan in motion to get a sitter to watch the kids so we could run a bit later in the afternoon.

We set out around 1:20 or so and found our pace. I knew jumping back in to running with so much time off would be huge - especially jumping in to 14 miles. What the hell was I thinking? Oh yes, I'm thinking that TCM is literally a month away and I have been bombarded with the HELLS of life and have let that take over everything. Understandable.

Anyway, I'd decided to do a run 4 walk 1 combo. I'd never really done this but decided I needed this run to be easy mentally breaking it up in to little chunks and easier physically as I wasn't sure I could do it.

The first 8 miles were okay and then I just felt really fatigued. I'd been feeling really worn down all day. I think partially due to some medication my doctor has me taking and I think I'm going to drop it... it's no good. Just makes me feel like I have a haze over myself. Yeah, it's good for bringing your emotions under control but at what cost? Anyway, I think part of that fatigue was due to medication and I'm not sure how much was due to me just being woefully out of shape.

The last 4 were pretty much hell. My legs felt like lead my my friend Sherri kept up the positive talk....she's a counselor, ya know? I got emotional a few times out there but one time I got really upset. Not because of the run or the hurt but because I'd let my husband take the one thing I truly loved besides him and the girls away from me.

SPOF - Spousal Piss Off Factor -- this is the factor given to running. If there is a race that you really want to do and it has a SPOF of 3 - then do it. IF it has a SPOF of 10 - you'd better stay home.

For the last two years it seems like even getting out the door to run a short 4 or 5 mile run had a SPOF of 10+. I got comments like 'if you cared about the laundry as much as you do running we'd never have to look for socks' or just really put out comments that he'd have to watch the kids or do something that required any effort. It was my only outlet and I let that get taken away from me. I wanted my marriage to work and I felt like running was such a sword in his side I let it dwindle and dwindle. No, he never asked me to stop running -- it was just more of his attitude and his asking me not to talk to him at all about running. He didn't care to hear about it.

As I was running yesterday I got so mad at the place where I was. I'm back at square 1 with my running and two years ago I was kicking out marathons like they were 10ks. I'm mad that all that work and training I did has disappeared and I have to do it all over again.... for what? For a husband that was cheating on me AS he was putting me down and squashing my love of running. I did that so I could attempt to make my husband happier with me -- to work on my marriage and all the while he was lying to me and screwing around with woman after woman. He NEVER worked on our marriage. It was a game to him... and just a vessel of lies. I'm so mad at him for doing this to me and the girls but I'm just as mad at myself to letting him and for letting him defeat me - NEVER AGAIN!

So.... here's to 2009. Free of SPOF and free of my lying cheating cursing asshole of a husband. Good riddance. Here's to a 2009 of fun with my girls, dance for them and running for me. NO SPOF to work around - no tension when I say I want to go do a 1/2 marathon with a friend. No more.

Life is about living and learning. Well, I've learned a hard lesson. Now it's time to start living again.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Too Long

It's been a long time since I have posted anything. Basically my life as I knew it fell through the floor in July. I found out my husband of 10 years was in love with a 24 year old girl and I made him leave.

So, this is yet another test of endurance. I'm finding a lot of strength in being on my own with my girls. Going through finances and getting things separated and ready for divorce is not a small thing. But it's necessary. I haven't been too emotional, mainly just really focused on things I can effect. I'm sure the wave of emotions will come later. I mean they do come, but it's not all the time.

My girls took an extended vacation to be with their grandparents and I think that has helped them adjust. They just came back and knew he wasn't going to be here anymore. They'll still see him but how often still remains to be seen.

My running and exercising has taken a back seat to life yet again. TCM is like 8 weeks away - or possibly less. The longest run I'd done prior to the upheaval was 12 miles. I'm going to attempt 14 this weekend. We'll see if I can just get back in the saddle again. I NEED to do TCM. It won't be pretty, that's for sure, but it's going to be my race - the race I did while going through the hardest thing I've ever had to do.... saying goodbye to my husband.